Jokes 2.0

[crackman]

the joke thread might have dissappeared. if it comes back i suppose it will be merged with this one..


but to start it off...

Drinking with Jesus

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'

Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'

Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers. 'Get lost, mate, I'm on Workers Comp!!'

Attn: Entrepreneurs

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
Ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
Cumming First

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
gotahoe.com

(some sites don't work now but some still operate)

[gtc]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

[Bradesy89]

there are three man whose boat has landed on an island full of Cannibals. The cannibals offer to let them go if they go into the jungle and find a fruit special to them. the first man comes back with a vine of 20 or so grapes. the natives say, If you can fit that whole thing into your butt we will let you go. he makes it in 3/4 of the way screams in pain and gets eaten. the next guy has a banana. he gets it in 3/4 of the way and just starts cracking up. the cannibals say "what's so funny?" and he says, " just saw the third guy come back with a pineapple"

[gtc]

A man bought his mother in-law a very expensive burial plot in one of the most beautiful cemeteries in the area as a Christmas gift. The next Christmas the mother in-law was at Christmas dinner again at her daughter and son in-laws house. This year, however, the son in-law had no gift for her. Insulted, she asked him why he didn't get her anything this year to which the son in-law replied: "Why bother, you didn't use what I got you last Christmas!"

[gtc]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer; it's going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

[gtc]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not? She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[so fresh]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[gtc]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 Then he gets the full house and wins $1,000. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'
'Bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

[Balthazar B]

A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners..
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The Blonde says: "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch".

[Mz21]

What does an elephant say when he sees a naked men?
.
.
.
"Holy crap dude. How can you breath with that small nose?"

[reags]

lol funny

[gtc]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”

[crackman]

A postal worker was sorting through the mail when he came across a letter addressed only with 'To God' written on it. He opened it up and there was a handwritten note that said.

Dear God,
It's me George, I have gone to church every Sunday all my life and have never asked for anything before. But now I am broke and desperately need $64 to pay the power bill before they cut off my electricity. It's the middle of the freezing winter and I need the electricity to run my small heater to keep me warm. Please help me in my time of need. Love George

Being moved by this letter the postal worker showed his colleges and they decided to pass the hat around for poor old George. They collected the money up, which came to $52 and placed in the envelope and sent it back to George.

A couple of days later, the mail centre got a call from George. He was irate and fuming! He wanted to know which ***** from the mail centre stole $12 out of the envelope God had sent him!

[gtc]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I
found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I definitely want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a
milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash
it on my face.'

[gtc]

A bloke was drinking at the pub. He decided to get naked and do a streak around the room. Being darts night it wasn’t such a good idea as he ended up getting hit many times buy the shooters.

So off he goes to the doctor to explain his problem. He flops the old fella out and shows the doctor all the new holes he has. Then he shows the doctor the effect by taking a leak, and it shoots out everywhere in all funny angles from the many holes that shouldn’t be there.

The doctor takes stock of the situation and tells him the only way to fix it is to visit his brother in the next town.

"Why doc, is he a specialist?"

"No, he plays the flute and could show you how to hold it."

[so fresh]

a ozzy says to a samoan "im gonna be the first man to the moon"the samoan thought he'll do better says "yeah im gonna be the first man to the sun"
the ozzy says "u cant do that you'll burn up" the samoan say "i know dat im no dumb! i go in da nite time!"

[gtc]

Sidney goes to see his psychiatrist. As soon as he lies down on the couch, he says, “I needed to have this appointment because I’m sure I’m gay.”

Doctor Myers says, “And what, please tell me, makes you think you’re gay?”

“Well,” says Sidney, “my father Hershel was gay and so was my grandfather.”

“So what?” says doctor Myers, “that doesn’t make you gay as well. No one has proven that homosexuality is hereditary.”

“Well what if I told you that my 2 younger brothers are also gay?” says Sidney.

“Well that would be interesting,” says doctor Myers. “Is there anyone else in your family who you think is gay?”

“My cousin and uncle are,” replies Sidney.

“I must admit,” says doctor Myers, “that I’ve never come across this before. Is there anyone in your family who has sex with women?”

“Yes,” replied Sidney, “my sister.”

[_sallz]

a ozzy says to a samoan "im gonna be the first man to the moon"the samoan thought he'll do better says "yeah im gonna be the first man to the sun"
the ozzy says "u cant do that you'll burn up" the samoan say "i know dat im no dumb! i go in da nite time!"

lol

[so fresh]

A Maori man, Aussie man and Samoan man were talking in the pub about how much control they had over their wives. The Samoan man however remained quiet during this conversation.
After a while the Maori man and Aussie man noticed this and turned to the Samoan man and asked, "Well what about you uso? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The Samoan man felling a bit pressured replies "Well let me tell you, just the other night my wife she comes crawling to me on her hands and knees"
The Maori man and Aussie Man were amazed "Yeah wow, what happened next"
The Samoan man replies " Yeah she told me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

[gtc]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break, in their soon-to be, new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Australian walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Australian accent asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."

Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, "You're doing well ... Only Two left!"